I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
