she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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