i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
