He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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