Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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