did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
