Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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