I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
