He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
