well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
