so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
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Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
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Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
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