im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
