apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
