there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
