You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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