Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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