i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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