We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
