Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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