i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
