I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
