My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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