did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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