Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
soo... how was my night?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
