I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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