didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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