Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
