Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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