So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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