Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
