just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
