Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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