Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
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I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
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I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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