you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
