So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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