Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
