OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
