I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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