Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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