im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize