I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
