cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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