He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
