operation harelip BJ is a go
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
