Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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