Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
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I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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