I heard we made out
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
