No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm passing your future prison.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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