Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
