so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
