Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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