my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
