Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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