he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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