Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
