You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
